HOW FEAR MADE ME LIVE

 

Fear. It’s the one thing that everyone observes and avoids, though they secretly want to overpower it.

It’s been over a year now that I have been writing to you and I feel that although you know who I am, I’ve failed to explain who I really am and how I got here. I’ll start getting better at that. Promise.

So I’ll start with this:

Just because I like to be challenged doesn’t mean I am not afraid.

I am afraid of failing at blogging. I am afraid of death. I am afraid of the unknown.

When I flew to Hawaii alone, no one saw the fear in my eyes when I landed. When I was stranded in the airport for days, no one saw my tears. When I was climbing Twin Buttes in Sedona, none of you saw me almost quit for the summit.

I was afraid. I am always afraid. Probably more than you.

 

 

But fear is what keeps me living. It is my main motivation for making the most of every moment. Too often we let fear do the opposite of what it is meant to do. We let it hold us back instead of pushing us forward.

Fear is overrated. Strength is underrated.

Fears are different for everyone. I would gladly sit on the edge of a 1,000ft cliff without a second thought, but to hit an 8ft jump on my snowboard makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide.  I think my boyfriend is convinced I'm crazy because my fears make absolutely no sense.

I decided to talk fear with you all today because these last few days life and fear have been weighing on my mind.

I am afraid that when I die I’ll regret that I was too afraid to not be afraid of dying.

 

 

When I travel, I often don’t realize how different my life is compared to most. I never see myself living in this extraordinary land of mountains, beaches, and luck. I don’t look at myself and think that I am some brave traveler and explorer. I always tell people I am truly a grandma because I have a hard time staying up past midnight, I think college frat parties are really annoying and I’d rather spend my time alone reading a nice adventure book than catching the latest episode of Breaking Bad.

 

 

At one point in my life, I was lost. Really lost.

I thought I wasn’t going to finish college and that I would end up back in my hometown surrounded by the same people doing the same things. I hated school, my retail job and I constantly felt judged by everyone who knew how completely f’ed up my childhood was. No one outside my family really expected me to succeed in anything great, so why should I jump for my goals if there was a fear of failing and turning out the same way everyone expected?

It changed the day I decided I was done being unhappy.

 

So I said screw fear and started doing a bunch of random things that made me happy. Sometimes I failed horribly at them. Sometimes I realized I actually hated what I thought I would love.

Seriously, don’t expect to see me at a casting call for a movie ever again. Those suckers are cruel.

I also sucked up and apologized to a bunch of random people I “hated” for reasons I can’t even remember from high school. Drama is the most unnecessary form of unhappiness.

As a wise woman once said; “Ain’t nobody got time for that”

I also took my love and desire for travel and just started doing it. I was broke as a joke and began with anything I could. I had a new job with weekends off and a conscious that told me to go.

I drove to the most random locations with my best friend and we slept in the car because a camping spot was too expensive. We went places without enough money because there’s nothing like going to bed somewhere with two dollars left in your pocket.

Suddenly fear was not a wall but an enforcer. Suddenly my unhappiness was bliss.

Fear reminds me that I am alive and I am forever afraid of things I cannot control.

But then I looked at the fear that I thought made me unhappy and realized it made me happy. Overcoming something great is both humbling and encouraging. I get emails from young (15-19) students who are so confused and feel like their life is over because they are completely scared with no idea what they're doing.

I’m 21 and I have no idea what I am doing. Ever. I hope I never know what I am doing. Embrace it.

So the day my life got better was the day I brought Regina George flowers after pushing her in front of a bus. She was what made me unhappy, then I decided to stop letting her make me that way.

Fear’s a person…befriend it.